So, in recent months it seems I have been relegated to my bed. I have come to find that I have an extreme level of anti-socialism, as though that is some form of government… Anyhow. There are, it seems, several reasons for the recent lack of enthusiasm for much of anything. One, being the severe pain I feel when doing any form of physical movement, including carrying my camera bag any distance farther than out the door and to my Jeep. Two, a severe bout with depression has struck me, and I simply lack the motivation to do nearly anything. Three, I have no money, no job and I feel very much alone.
Having said that, there is still a positive spin on things, somewhere, I hope… I just have yet to find out what that is. I do have some paperwork to fill out, in an effort to get some form of assistance from the government due to my current medical condition, which is clearly a positive point on the chart.
On to the photos… It seems today is a bit of a “twofer”, in that I lack the ability to make a decision as to whether I would like to focus on the positive or negative side of things. The two photos that follow were taken within the same 24 hour period. The self-portrait was taken first, late at night, I was unable to sleep. I had been crying… No, sobbing quite excessively due to a recent “loss”. I ended up staying up for roughly 32 hours, I accomplished very little at first, finding no reason to do anything of significance. Somewhere around the 5:00am mark I decided that I wanted to feel good again, so I made the decision that at sunrise I would force myself to climb on the roof and take photos of said sunrise, a goal in which I had neglected for a little over three months at that point. After having a battle with myself over motivation, I walked to the window screen and promptly removed it from the window frame (Which, in fact, was not very prompt at all since the screen was rather tightly affixed to the window frame, and I lack the ability to exert any significant amount of force without pain).
I waited the next 50 minutes, thinking about what lay in store on the roof, during a wet morning, for a young man, in no physical condition to be climbing about on a roof, with a tripod, expensive camera, tennis shoes, and a severe fear of heights. No matter! I was on my way and there was no stopping me now. I made the trek onto the roof, only to find there was no way to the other side of the house, other than to scale the garage, and make a three foot jump across a gap between the garage and the other side of the house, camera and tripod in tow. Needless to say, I made sure I took my time and captured a significant number of photos from different positions prior to an escape back to the comfort of my room. I am quite fond of both photos here, as they represent the relative low and high in the course of a 24 hour period, one in which I do not believe the high point or low point have subsequently been achieved.
I hope that you are all pleased with these photos, as they are the first actual motivation I have had in some time. Please, please make comments, critique, shout, yell, gripe, or do whatever it is that you feel the need to do. I am at a point in my life in which I need to feel like something I do matters. Though it is something as simple as a personal photo blog, it really is one of the few things I have left. So please, take a few moments, click on the shiny little stars to give a vote, jot down a few lines about how I do not hang out with you enough, whatever it is you deem necessary. Something to keep me motivated to do this is really what I need, and it is just a start.
I would like to thank someone, a family member of a dear friend of mine. I recently received an email detailing my skill with my photography and my ability to articulate what it is that I am feeling and going through. There was what appeared to be a deep rooted concern for my well being, and a level of reassurance that I am very unfamiliar with. Those of you that know me, know that my upbringing was one of much neglect and discouragement. So to hear such positive words coming from a person most would consider a relative stranger, was endlessly surprising and a wonderful few sentences to read.
On to the Photos!
I really like the sunset picture. I know you hate taking picture of your self but this one is really good. the one of you looks like your have someone watching over you. It is really great looking picture. I was so excited to see some pictures on the websites.
Nice picture of a sunrise! Is this the first sunrise you have captured? I do feel that the other “dejected Jacob” picture is better; I don’t care for how the window and screen affected the photo. Also, I am envious your consistent, skillful articulation of your feelings through words. Thanks for another great post.
Again, some excellent photos. On the self portrait, I liked the contrast with the wood and the man. However, for me your July 15th “No One Gets To Come In” is far more powerful. I still think that photo is an exceptionally strong and haunting message of a man’s despair. The sunset picture is lovely, beautiful colors and evidently taken at just the right time. I will look forward to more of your very professional work, but please — no more climbing on rooftops!