This photo was taken back in August of 2008, I had just dropped my girlfriend off at MSP International so she could go to visit her Grandmother in Phoenix, AZ. Afterward I decided to stop at the Fort Snelling National Cemetery. I will tell you this, never in your life, unless you have been to Arlington, have you ever seen so many headstones. It is just incredible. It is literally a sea of white, and you know that each dot in the distance represents a person that was once alive. It makes me wonder about all those people, what were they like, their aspirations, their goals, their weaknesses, their loved ones, all their mistakes, all the things they had ever been proud of, then it reminds me of how insignificant we are as people. All the wars, all the arguments, all of the hatred and anguish, and for what, a small plot of land on this tiny speck of a dot in space, we as a race, as a people, regardless of skin color, language, nationality, are so insignificant in the end. Having said that, why not cherish what we have, fight for love instead of land or oil or pride, do all that you can to remind the people you love that you do, in the tiny blip on an existence that we have, that is the world we should fight for, the people we care for and love.

So, the photo… It is made up of some ten photographs, having said that, ten equals thirty because each one has to be taken three times, so yeah, it took some time to stitch this together and map it correctly, it is still not up to my standards, but to get it where I want it I would need to go back and re-take the photographs…

Anyhow, I saw this parabolic mirror and was reminded of how everything (Specifically the sky) looks like it is HDR when it is compressed into the small space of these mirrors, I say, if your automobile has one of these mirrors, look at the clouds while driving, only briefly though, as it can be distracting and dangerous.

“So good to see you,
I’ve missed you so much,
So glad it’s over,
I’ve missed you so much…

I stick my hand into this shadow,
To pull the pieces from the sand,
Which I attempt to reassemble,
To see just who I might have been,
I do not recognize the vessel,
But the eyes seem so familiar,
Like phosphorescent desert buttons,
Singing one familiar song…”

This one was taken while we were both still relatively warm. Steve had forgotten his gloves, so later on I let him use one of mine, so we shared gloves… Yes, sharing gloves with another man is a sacred thing, so Steve and I are pretty much blood brothers now.

Back to the photo, I really like this one, however, I used my (cheapo) wide angle lens, and sadly I discovered a severe flaw in the unit. I will give extra awesome brownie points to the first person that is able to identify the problem in the photo, and the distortion which caused it. I will give you a hint, My D90 has a setting that (either on or off) attempts to reduce this effect.

So, for everyone reading, do not buy cheap equipment with an expensive camera, it will only leave you sad, and wondering why your expensive camera is taking terrible photos, until you see the edge-bending effect of your wide angle lens and realize what the problem was, or maybe that’s just me…

I also think it is probably prudent to adjust the photo size I am posting, as much as I love the large size photos, it seems to give a feel closer to being there, since your eyes kind of scan around, much like they do naturally. It seems that many people are running lower resolution monitors, so, if you are unable to see the full image in the window without scrolling (Please make sure your browser is set to full screen view), please just leave me a note here, so I can do things to make it a better viewing experience for everyone…

Thanks!

It seems not only did I find a replacement for this person, I found that this person never really deserved to be in my life in the first place. I thought my life would be terrible and I would be lost without her, and he truth is, my life has been unfathomable leagues better since she lost me. I have been blessed not only with realization that I have had MEGA great friends the whole time, and  that I may have lost one person, but I have gained two great new friends and an amazing family that make it very clear that she always needed to be replaced. Much like a broken piece of office equipment, you do not dwell on the fact that it is broken and “gone”, you simply replace it, and forget it ever existed in the first place because the replacement unit functions better on it’s worst day than the previous unit did when it was brand new….

I have always heard the best revenge is living well, hehe, well, that I am doing, and not that I would ever wish ill upon Chandra (or most people for that matter) as I do still love her so very much, I reently heard she is doing worse since she lost me… If there is such a thing as karma I am confident some just got dished up, shaken, not stirred.

Having given that tidbit of “grandtastic” news, I want to inform everyone of my first purchases towards my new business as well as the basic premise behind my new venture.

My very first purchases towards the business were a new air compressor and a new brad nail gun. Essentially I intend to process my photographs as usual, and get them printed in varying sizes. The second step in my overall process is to construct my own unique frames that I will be able to design around the photograph that will be going inside the frame. Now that you can see why I would need an air compressor and a nail gun when working with photographs… hehe. My third purchase was my dream camera. I have been dissatisfied with my camera for shooting HDR photographs for some time now. Ultimately, I found a great deal for a Nikon D90 online, I purchased the D90 with a few lenses and some additional equipment that will help me transfer from my Canon to a Nikon as all the connections are different, as well as the threading of the lenses.

Now that everyone knows why I have a great level of confidence in my future I am ready to go out and sell my photographs and frames. I would like to involve my friends and family in the process of building this, and doing so from the beginning, so if you have an ideas that you think would be beneficial, please do let me know.

Sorry for the lack of a photo today.

“Real life is the hardest impression, it’s always moving so I let it come through.”

~Little Texas

Bend around the wind,
Silently blown about again,
I’m treading so soft and lightly,
Compromising my will, I am…

I am, I will, so no longer
Will I lay down, play dead,
Play your doe,
In the headlights,
Locked down and terrified,
Your deer in the headlights,
Shot down and horrified,

When push comes to pull,
Comes to shove,
Comes to step around,
This self-destructive dance,
That never would’ve mattered,
Until I rose, I roared aloud here,
I will, I am…

I am,
I will,
So no longer,
Will I,
Lay down,
Play dead,
Play this,
Knee down,
Gunshy,
Martyr,
Pitiful,
I rose,
I roared,
I will,
I am….

Within the words above I find a certain level of comfort. It seems that in this song the notion that we are able to endure precludes itself. I found that my level of endurance, tolerance, and patience, with regards to the lies, untruths, and injustices of another is finite and is not everlasting as I previously thought it was. It seems that, just as in the words above, there came a point in which “Compromising my will” was just no longer possible and as such, “I rose, I roared aloud here!… So no longer, will I lay down, play dead, play this.” I did whatever I deemed necessary to stop the “Self-destructive dance” that was indeed occurring. I was not able to focus on anything short of what the end outcome would be. My approach wrong, perhaps… Is the outcome what was most necessary, yes, without doubt, and in the same, there is an amount of remorse that penetrates me. Though not enough to cause regret, just enough to, on occasion, cause my spine to tingle, my heart to race, my thought process reduced to what might have been. Though after the abundance of effort and time on my part put forth, it seems that, inherently, people are incapable of change.

We are all faced with challenges, some as simple as getting out of bed, some unimaginable. In the end, we make our decisions based on the rules we have set for our lives, the guidelines to which we tailor our existence. Sometimes, our emotions interfere with a logic that is evident and ultimately undeniable. Perhaps if we could take the emotional variable out of the equation, the decisions we must make would be a great deal easier, but nobody ever said the easy choice was always the right choice, and as I have found, it rarely is.

I have made my bed, and I am fully prepared to sleep in it, and a certain level of confidence burns through me, that I will rest well, and may you also, with all of your regrets and remorse for what you have done to those around you, and what you will continue to do. Only you know the extent to which your behaviors reach, and the irreparable damage you have caused. May you sleep well indeed Chandra.

Since this post was built around a “quote” in the song above, there will be no quote today.

In starting the writing of this particular post I did not have a particular direction in mind. I have been in a great deal of pain in recent weeks, and it seems that it is getting progressively worse. Which is exactly what I was informed would happen, and that in the coming months things will progress pretty quickly. I am afraid that the current medications I am on are becoming of little use. Most days I am able to ignore the coming months, and the fact that there is a certain outcome of which I have little control. Although, there are days, in which I am simply stuck with myself and all the information locked in my mind, which is also of little use. Time is a relative thing, it seems that when we have an abundance we allow it to waste away, yet when we have little, we long for more.

As of this very moment in writing I have no photo selected, and I am not sure I have the motivation to even look at them… Most of them remind of a much different time in my life, wherein I may not have had a great many things, I did have one thing, and she was most of what mattered to me. It seems counterintuitive, but the falling down does seem to be far more painful than the standing up. I have finally been reminded of a photo I had taken some time ago, though I cannot remember the date, and I am not going to spend the time to look for it. This photo was taken in St. Cloud with Chandra at Munsinger Gardens. I asked her to wear her sari so that I could take some photos of her in it as I thought it would be a beautiful and colorful addition to Chandra. Though not one of my favorite photos, it seems that many people like this one. Also, no unique name for this one..

A short while after this photo was taken we had wandered around and found a cage with peacocks in it, totaling around 6 if I remember correctly. There was one in particular, so extremely colorful and energetic. I tried my best to get the three photos usually necessary for HDR, but it was of no use, as the animal was reluctant to stay still for more than a moment at a time.

And please, let’s keep the ratings based on photographic quality and not something like “Hot or Not”…

Thanks!

Steve and I were able to spend a little while together at Quarry Park in St. Cloud, MN and I feel that we both took some great photos that day, some of which I have already posted. This particular photo is a very rare photo I would say, though I may love taking photographs, I am not exactly fond of having my photo taken, so typically they end up being candid shots, as this one shows.

I will state that, in my defense, I do usually notice the faint clicking sound of the mechanics of the typical SLR firing away, and order the photo of me to be deleted, however, for some reason or another, Steve’s Nikon SLR and lens are the quietest combo I have ever heard, or not. Not sure if it is just a fluke that his is so quiet, as I have used them in stores, and a friend (Andrew) also has a Nikon and I have not heard one so magnificently silent as the one Steve owns. Regardless, I am confident that the next SLR I purchase will be the Nikon D90, as it has every feature I could dream of, and still uses a relatively small form factor, so when I have a spare $1,200 to spend on a camera, and a fairly good reason to do so, oh yes, it will be mine….